This morning I have been watching a debate on The Wright Stuff about whether a woman should ignore her husband if he doesn’t want children and have them anyway.
For me it wouldn’t have been an issue unless my husband had lied to me. We discussed children the night we met. He showed me a photograph of my now step son, who was then 18 months old, and told me how he would want more children in the future. On our first date less than a week later we discussed it again, not making plans just talking about how having children was important to us. Within a couple of months we were having long arguments about children’s names and laughing about plans we would have for any children we had together.
Had I got into a relationship with a man who I loved enough to marry who said he did not want children ever then I would not have married him. I would have chosen potential future children over the man I love. For certain. For me the urge to have children was intense. I have felt it my entire life. As soon as I found out it was possible for me to have children I wanted to and have never wanted anything more.
I’ve had some dodgy relationships. Some long, some short… some very short. Thanks to the modern wonder of contraception I never found myself pregnant, but every time my period came I always felt a pang of disappointment. However wrong the man was, however wrong the timing was, I would always have felt joy at finding myself pregnant. It is purely using my head not my heart that I didn’t have a whole gaggle of children by the time I met my husband.
For me my greatest ambition was to have a child, and however much I love my husband, I love my daughter more and I would choose her over him in a heart beat.
So what would I have done had we got married and he had said actually no he doesn’t want children? If I didn’t think he’d change his mind again then in all honesty I’d have left him. I wouldn’t have tricked him into having a child, saying I was on the pill when I wasn’t or punching holes in the condoms, because I don’t believe that is fair in any way and I want him to love her as much as I do. But I wouldn’t have given up my desire for a child. I wouldn’t have given that up for anyone.
If you, be you a man or woman, have the urge I had (which I would describe as a need more than a want) then you shouldn’t be forced to give that up. If you’d rather have your partner than your potential child then fine that’s entirely up to you and I know many people who choose to be childless and have no regrets and find happiness in that life completely, but then there are others who give up the right to children then get to a certain age and realise they have lost something huge and there is no going back and find that incredibly hard to deal with. So before you give it up, be damn sure you are happy to because being a parent is, for those who want it, the most incredible experience you could ever have.
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Thanks as always for reading, and I’ll speak to you soon I hope!