I love being a mum but my goodness some days it’s so hard. I am so tired and feel so guilty about so many things.
Before I had her I had so many intentions, so many plans. I was going to baby lead wean, which I am doing, but also use purees, which I am doing, purees which I was going to make myself fresh every day… erm…
I was going to be an amazing miracle of a mother with a clean home and a clean baby and show everyone how freaking awesome I am… erm…
I was never going to let her cry herself to sleep because it’s just cruel and will make her associate sleep with sadness… erm…
I have just let her cry herself to sleep after struggling to mop her up as both she and I are covered in the premade packet puree she got everywhere. I do not feel proud of this but I’m suspecting it’s more normal than I’m willing to let my guilty conscience accept.
Miss Rose is now seven months old and, according to my Health Visitor, this is an age when they start to learn habits that become hard to break, so now is the time I need to take charge. I decided today was the day. Today has been HARD.
She has always loved her food, not necessarily swallowed much of it, but seriously enjoyed the very mucky process.
She decided as of last night that she no longer wanted to eat. I don’t know why. She was hungry but as soon as I sat her in her high chair she started wailing and it only got worse when I offered her food. In the end I took her upstairs, calmed her down… then fed her biscuits… Great parenting move there. My main concern was filling her belly because the more she eats the more she sleeps and this child wants a lot of night feeds at the best of times.
Today has just been bad from the start. Refused her breakfast, then when I was cleaning and her dad gave her snack and she tossed everything aside angrily… except biscuit…
By lunch time she was hungry and angry and refusing to eat and getting more angry and after a morning of tired, hungry, angry baby and facing an afternoon of the same and feeling utterly miserable I put her in her cot and shut the door. She screamed for about 8 minutes then went to sleep and I collapsed in a heap of baby food on the sofa and breathed.
Some days this is very, very hard. I knew she was hungry and tired but couldn’t explain to her that she needed to eat then needed to sleep to make herself feel better. She couldn’t explain to me why she was refusing to do just that. When she refuses to eat she wakes up a lot in the night to feed… some have told me to just ignore her in the night and let her cry herself back to sleep whilst others have told me to give her a bottle of water… and others have told me to keep feeding her through the night as I am. Each argument each person made is with vigour and experience and passion… but which to listen to?
I so desperately just want her to be happy. I want her to be healthy. I want to be a good mother and do all the right things and have a perfectly fed, perfectly behaved, perfectly clean child in a perfectly clean home but it is not quite working out that way and some days that really, really sucks.
Mothering is hard and until I had her I didn’t appreciate what people said when saying “it’s the best but hardest job you’ll ever do”
This is the best thing I’ve ever done in my life… but my gosh it’s the hardest. There is no break. There is no let up. There is no do overs. I get one shot at raising this person to be a good, kind, successful person who can live and survive happily in this world.
Good job she’s cute, innit?
You can check out all my contact info an links on www.jjbarnes.co.uk, I’m on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram so you can get in touch on there, as well as find links to all my work. There’s also www.sirenstories.co.uk which has all the work by both myself and The Boy (Jonathan McKinney) and loads of extra content such as background stories for different characters. If you want to subscribe on Patreon, its just $1 a month to help support our work and it also grants you access to our extra podcast a week, you can go to www.patreon.com/sirenstories.
Thanks as always for reading, and I’ll speak to you soon I hope!