I have a poorly baby. We were up most of the night with her just sobbing and sobbing, I couldn’t calm her down. She wouldn’t take booby, which normally works, and when she did she bit me so hard that I was crying too. When she was in bed with me she squirmed and cried and kicked and scratched. When I put her in her cot she just screamed. She is sneezing and coughing and puking, snot all over her face and just utterly miserable. I ended up just holding her tight and rocking back and forwards whilst she wailed. It was so awful.
Consequently today we’re both exhausted and bad tempered. I’ve managed to finally get her to sleep after having a boob which is a relief for both of us and I hope that when she wakes up she will feel a little better. If she could tell me where it hurts and what I can do to help then it would make both our lives so much easier, but of course she can’t.
This has really brought a few things home to me.
I’ve always wanted a big family. I want at least two children, more if we can afford it, but my gosh I am glad she wasn’t twins! And so many of the girls who had their babies at the same time as me are already pregnant again, most of them intentionally. How do they do it? Miss Rose takes up so much time and attention when she’s well that I can’t imagine having a second right now, but when she’s poorly? How do people do it? I have no energy, I have no time. I am using every ounce of my patience for her and so snapping at everyone else.
Also, single mums! I have even greater admiration for you than I had before. My husband is working away doing security at Glastonbury. I’m very proud of him, he’s working hard and in a prestigious position, but I so wish he was here! I haven’t had a shower, I haven’t cleaned. The laundry is backing up and every time I attempt to do anything she screams. As soon as she wakes up I’ll be back to it and if she wasn’t napping on me I probably wouldn’t be doing the cleaning anyway because I’m so tired.
Single mums do it all by themselves all the time. With more than one. It’s amazing.
I still want to have more children, don’t get me wrong, and being Miss Rose’s mum is the best and most rewarding thing I could do with my life. I love her so much and am so grateful for her. But I’ve always said I want a good couple of years between my children and this has definitely confirmed this for me.
I adore my brother. He makes some dumbass decisions, annoys me, and smells a bit funky, but I adore him. I want to give my girl that kind of sibling relationship with at least one other. But not now. Not yet. Not til she can look after herself occasionally, explain problems to me, and spend some time in the care of either a school or family so I can devote the same individual attention she gets now to the next one. Otherwise I might go nuts!
So hats off to you mothers of multiples, single mothers, and brave women venturing on a path of reproduction that results in just months difference in age for your offspring. You are stronger, braver, and better mothers than I.
And on that note the bottom end of this child just erupted in something that smells remarkably potent.
I’d also like her out of nappies before I have another.
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Thanks as always for reading, and I’ll speak to you soon I hope!