I have a confession to make.
My name is Jude and I am smuggler.
Miss Rose goes to sleep beautifully in her own room, in her own bed. I say beautifully, last night she decided she absolutely must do baby yoga during story time so the process took somewhat longer than usual due to the fact downward facing dog is not particularly sleep inducing, but usually she settles without an issue. She will sometimes wake up but self settle nicely until a point when she wakes up and wants me, at which point she comes into my bed for a bottle of milk and a snuggle.
Yes I could prevent this, but no I don’t want to. Not yet anyway.
Since my husband left I have been struggling to get to sleep. He spent a lot of time away from home before he officially left, so being alone in our bed isn’t something I am unaccustomed to, and previously I would read my book and settle down without a hiccup. However, it’s rare for me to settle to sleep alone. I feel like I’m the toddler, not her.
I sneak into her room, scoop her and her pillow up, and smuggle her into my bed. I settle her down under the duvet then suddenly I am overcome by feelings of tiredness and I drift off to sleep in moments. Just feeling her there, hearing her snores, it relaxes me.
I sometimes wonder if I should change it. Should I be adjusting to sleeping alone? Should I be forcing her to sleep alone too?
Honestly I don’t see why. We aren’t alone. We’re together. Yes, at some point, it will be better for her to sleep on her own, but why now? Why when we are both going through a difficult emotional time would I try and separate us, when we both provide the emotional support the other needs?
We are not alone. We have each other. If one or the other of us needs a cuddle in the night then why wouldn’t we be there? She doesn’t mind being there for me, and I don’t mind being there for her. Just being there. She doesn’t have to do anything. I don’t tell her my problems, I don’t talk about her father, I don’t cry all over her. She’s just there. Most of the time she doesn’t even realise she’s there because she’s asleep. But she’s there. She’s with me. We are not alone.
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Thanks as always for reading, and I’ll speak to you soon I hope!