I spent my entire life, well, minus the first few years, being broody. The desire to have a baby was so deeply ingrained in me that it was the focus point of everything I thought about and everything I did. Every man I met I wondered if he would be the father of my future child. Every time my period was two minutes late I wondered if I was pregnant, and even at the most inappropriate times, part of me was hopeful. Every time my period came part of me was disappointed.
I wanted to have a lot of children. I wanted to have them close together. I loved being pregnant and was fairly certain that I would want to do it again soon.
I do not. I do not want to be pregnant. I do not want another child. At least not right now. The feeling of NOT being broody is actually quite an odd one for me.
Holding other people’s babies does not make my heart hurt. Seeing other people’s pregnant bellies does not fill me with envy. If my period was two minutes late I would be anything but hopeful.
Don’t get me wrong Miss Rose is incredible and beautiful and fabulous. Nothing in the world is more amazing than that child. I love her with every tiny scrap of my being. I want her and I adore her and having her is absolutely the best thing I ever did with my life. She is my everything.
But I do not want two of her.
I cannot imagine how I would do it. She is exhausting, demanding and stroppy. She makes me get up early and doesn’t nap for very long. She is constantly active and runs around climbing on things all the time.
So many of my amazing mummy friends that have children the same age as Miss Rose have already had further babies, or are pregnant again now. I’m in the minority to either not have, or not want, another baby. I have so much respect and admiration for them handling it, and not only handling it but loving it and thriving on it, because I don’t think I could do it.
Obviously it’s something of a none issue for me now, as I would want an actual “partner” in order to have another baby. I don’t plan on any further developments into single parenting. But I actually wonder if I will want another child at all, even if one day I did find a man I would consider venturing there with. Do I want it? I don’t know. I always thought I did. I am a sister and loved having my brother growing up and always wanted to give Miss Rose the same sort of experience, but now I don’t know if I do. It’s a very strange feeling.
Maybe it will be different one day. Maybe if I fall in love with a man who wants a baby I will find myself wanting a baby again. Maybe that old broodiness will return and I will want to give Miss Rose a sibling. But right now? HELL NO.
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Thanks as always for reading, and I’ll speak to you soon I hope!