Only Parents Say…

Click to visit the Siren Stories website and read more work by J.J. Barnes and check out her latest novels.

Click to visit the Siren Stories website and read more work by J.J. Barnes and check out her latest novels.

As I implored of Miss Rose to “Please stop eating the stairs darling” yet again it occurred to me that since becoming a mother there are things I am saying regularly that I had never any reason to say before.

1) Please stop eating the stairs darling

For some reason Miss Rose is obsessed with licking and chewing on the third step up on our stair case. It is permanently damp. As soon as I open the stair door she pounces on it like I pounce on chocolate after a bad day. I have cleaned it and vacuumed it yet, for some unknown reason, the third step up is her food of choice.

2) Sweetheart don’t lick the house

Another peculiar food fad for my dear child. Our house is covered in a grey rough cement stuff (yes there will be an actual technical name but no I don’t know what it is… and googling spiky house stuff doesn’t help) and Miss Rose LOVES to lick it. Just the corner by the kitchen door. This stuff is spiky and hard and cannot feel nor taste nice on the tongue and yet I am forever begging her not to lick it.

3) Why are there tampons in the bath again?

For some reason Miss Rose is obsessed with tampons. She loves it when it’s my time of the month and she has a legitimate reason to rummage in the drawer and fish out tampons to hand to me. Yes, tampons, plural. I have explained many times that, despite having bore a rather large child, I do only have space for one in there… but to no avail. I always end up with a clutch of them. When she has no legitimate reason to go rooting around for tampons for me, she snags them for herself and puts them in the bath. Every night before I run her bath in I have to retrieve the, often slightly damp, tampons and return them to the drawer.

4) OH GOD NO DON’T EAT THAT!

This requires capital letters. This is my standard response to the kind of explosive sneeze she achieves when she has a bit of a cold. The explosive sneeze is routinely followed by a little pink tongue slipping out and cleaning up the produce as I launch myself across the room brandishing a wet wipe and trying not to heave.

5) Byebye tree! Byebye car! Byebye Neenaw!

We say goodbye to most things. A walk into down generally consists of hugging lampposts (which often looks suspiciously like pole dancing for beginners), collecting sticks, stones and leaves, and waving goodbye to pretty much anything she knows the word for. Which is a lot of things.

6) Use your words

I was laughed at and told “I bet you never thought you would say that!” the other day when Miss Rose was pointing enthusiastically at a rack of chocolate bars and making an indistinct whining noise. It’s true, I wasn’t expecting to use such a mum-ism, but my gosh I do. A lot. A lot a lot a lot. She is quite capable of using quite a wide vocabulary but resorts to indistinct whinging with alarming regularity.

7) Foo time is private time

I do not wish to make Miss Rose feel there is anything naughty or wrong about exploring her body. Her foo is her own and if she wishes to poke at it then she has every right to. However… she should be doing that in her own time and not in front of her mother. I did not think I would be having to explain this to a one year old.

8) Anything but Katy Perry darling

Don’t get me wrong, I am quite partial to a bit of Katy Perry, and I enjoy both listening to and dancing to a lot of her music. Miss Rose agrees. A lot. “KATY! KAAAAATY!” In particular she loves Roar. Adores it. We have to listen to it on repeat. I get it stuck in my head going round… and round… and round… and round… and round…

9) Don’t touch the poo!

Why why why does she want to try and touch the poo? Just why? And it’s always the most hideous of nappies that she tries to shove her hands into. On the occasions she manages to get her fingers in the poo she invariably complains bitterly about it and cries out “poo mummy poo”. “Yes darling, you do have poo on your hands. That’s because you shoved your hands in the poo. If you don’t want poo on your hands don’t touch the poo!”

10) PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE GO TO SLEEP OH GOD PLEASE

I’m fairly sure this one needs no explanation. And, based on the facebook feeds of my various mummy friends, it’s something that most mothers find themselves saying.

 

 

So these are some of the weird things I have to say A LOT since becoming a mother. What do you say that you didn’t say before?

You can check out all my contact info an links on www.jjbarnes.co.uk, I’m on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram so you can get in touch on there, as well as find links to all my work. There’s also www.sirenstories.co.uk which has all the work by both myself and Jonathan McKinney and loads of extra content such as background stories for different characters. If you want to subscribe on Patreon, its just $1 a month to help support our work and it also grants you access to our extra podcast a week, you can go to www.patreon.com/sirenstories.

Thanks as always for reading, and I’ll speak to you soon I hope!

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2 responses to “Only Parents Say…

  1. Lol! First off- is it called Artex?! The spiky stuff on your house?! Or is that for ceilings?!
    Your last one I say regularly. Very regularly! Along with, “Why are you not asleep?”, and “Well if you slept you wouldn’t be this grumpy”. They are said very frequently.
    My child also eats things that I would never choose to eat, or wish for him to eat- “Please don’t eat the cobwebs”, “Don’t lick the wall”, “Don’t eat it”- referring to slugs, spiders, cigarette butts, stones- usually he picks up on my panicked voice!
    “Have you got poop in your bum bum?”- pretty certain I wouldn’t ask anybody else this!
    “Put mummy’s pants back”. “Where have you put…..?”. “Don’t eat mummy’s pants.” “Oh, thank you darling, but you eat it”, – usually referring to something that has been half chewed or sucked and then handed to me!
    The list goes on!
    The joys!!

    Like

  2. Pingback: Raising Two Two Year Olds | Rose and Mum and More

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