I’ll start this post saying EVERYTHING IS FINE. I got the all clear today. Everything is fine.
I am sharing this story because it might encourage others to get checked if they’re worried, and maybe inspire people to check themselves. So please do.
When I found a breast lump I panicked. In that instant I was certain I was dying.
I was lying on the bed and Miss Rose was using me as a runway for her toy aeroplane and ran it over my boob. I was only wearing my knickers at the time so when the plane went over my boob it hurt. I put my hands up to protect myself and felt it. A lump. In my boob. I was dying.
I panicked and snapped at Rose. She went to run her plane up me again and I was so busy feeling this alien in my breast and feeling my whole brain explode with horror that I snapped. I shouted at her. “GET OFF LEAVE ME ALONE!” And ran to the mirror to look and feel more, tears in my eyes. Miss Rose cried and shouted “MUMMY!” at me and then I cried more. I held her tight and told her I was sorry. I meant I was sorry I was going to die and leave her, not be with her as she grows up, not see her first day at school or her first boyfriend or be at her wedding. I was sorry. I was so so so sorry.
Taking stock I sat myself down, put my head in my hands, and breathed. I let the air get back into my brain and told myself to calm down. It was just a lump. Until further notice I wasn’t going to die.
My doctor’s appointment was reassuring, I was informed it felt very much like a breast mouse, a fibroadenoma, which is none cancerous, none dangerous, and usually can just be left alone. However, I was referred to the breast clinic for a scan and a biopsy to be sure. Whilst reassured I was still anxious.
My hospital appointment came through very quickly. I was checked by a consultant who agreed, breast mouse, then sent for a scan. The scanning doctor agreed, breast mouse, then the biopsy occurred.
Hmmm. What can I say.
I have small boobs. They’re not quite A cups. This meant that my breast lumps, when I was lying back on the bed, were lying directly on my breast ribs. This meant that to get the biopsy gun, a long spike which goes THUD like a staple gun, had to be angled very carefully to avoid slamming into my ribs. This meant it too five attempts at moving the spike around, thudding, and ripping bits of breast tissue out. This meant I had quite a lot of blood trickling out of the slice that was made in my boob. However, the result is my boob is quite swollen so it’s almost like I’ve got one grown up boob. The problem is it dwarfs my other childlike boob. Sigh. I can’t catch a break.
It took one consultant, two doctors, two nurses, and five biopsies but today I got the call. All clear. No cancer. Nothing dangerous. No more prodding into my boob. No more slicing, dicing, thudding, ripping, cutting. My bruised, swollen, sliced boob is healthy and normal.
GET CHECKED. If you find something don’t put it off. If there is a lump you will be taken seriously. You will get seen. You will get looked after. The absolute uncontrollable terror I felt in that moment when I found the lump was overwhelming and in no way worse than the actual examination or biopsies being done. Not knowing I assumed the worst. Not knowing was sheer terror. Finding out was utter relief. Utter joy. Everything is fine. I will be there for my baby girl, I will be mummy for the foreseeable future.
So please get checked if you’re worried.