Allowing Miss Rose to become emotionally dependent on a man has always scared me.
Her father leaving broke her. Completely devastated her. Despite being just one year old, and therefore, according to many, too young to notice the difference, she suffered panic attacks, a plummet in confidence, general despair as she searched for her daddy and wails of loss as his things were gradually removed from our home. It hit her and it hit her hard.
To allow her to become that reliant on another man is allowing her to be at risk of the same loss, but as an older child with even more awareness.
I have let her be around men before, but in the same way she is around women. Sometimes we hang out with people, sometimes she sees them lots, sometimes she sees them once. Family and friends can come and go without causing her any emotional pain, and any man I’ve let her see before has been the same situation. They are no different.
The only people I wanted her to be that emotionally bonded to are me and my mum. She loves her aunties and uncles, loves her friends, but that’s different. If she asks for them she is happy to be told she will see them soon, it’s not an ask of loss. She cries for Nanny, she cries for me.
But now? She cries for The Boy.
One evening I took her out into the street to watch him walk down the pavement towards us as he came round after work, and she ran from me, down the pavement with her arms out and jumped into his arms. Since then, if he’s not here, she assumes he’s out there and wants to go and look for him, and if I tell her no she gets upset. She will cry for him to say goodnight to, ask for him in the day. Miss Rose is completely bonded to The Boy.
Fortunately, for all concerned, The Boy is devoted to Miss Rose. He has time for her, makes sure she gets cuddles, takes the time to play with her. Never gets angry or stressed if she tantrums and just calmly handles it, or steps back and allows me to. He has no intention of leaving her and values her. It makes me love him even more.
But still… it brings with it fear. If he or I end our relationship then I am putting Miss Rose in the same position as when her father left. I am risking her heart as well as mine. I know I can handle it, I’m a big girl and I know I can survive a broken heart. But breaking hers is a hideous thought, it makes me feel sick, makes me ache. To bring pain of that magnitude into her life again… utterly and completely terrifying.
I need to make sure that, whatever happens with The Boy, Miss Rose knows she has me and knows she has her nanny. Miss Rose has always been surrounded by love, and I know she feels it. Her uncles Deek and Rook, aunties Meme and Rou, her cousin Eebiee, her friends Abi, Michael, Moo, Bot, Remy, Caiden and Dave. People everywhere who love her and who she loves. If The Boy disappears, she will still have us and she will still have them.
If The Boy disappears she will have so many people who love her and will get her through it. You mend a broken heart by filling it with love, and that is what I will do.
In reality I don’t see it being necessary. In reality I think both mine and Miss Rose’s hearts are safe with The Boy.
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Thanks as always for reading, and I’ll speak to you soon I hope!