Why You’re A Crap Mum

Click to visit the Siren Stories website and read more work by J.J. Barnes and check out her latest novels.

Click to visit the Siren Stories website and read more work by J.J. Barnes and check out her latest novels.

I have come to the conclusion that all mums are completely crap. We have to be. There is no other explanation because every choice every mum has ever made is ruled as crap mummying by a large portion of the population who disagree with their decision. There are no good mothers. We all suck.

Here is my guide to why you’re told you’re a crap mum.

 

BREAST FEEDERS

Why you’re crap.

You are creating a clingy child you cannot settle with anybody except you. It’s selfish to expect nobody else to be allowed to have that sort of bond with your child and you are setting yourself up for failure in the long run because getting them off the breast is impossible. And my goodness if you nurse them to sleep you’re definitely crap. No child that is breast fed to sleep will ever nap or go to bed without a breastfeed.

Why you’re ACTUALLY awesome.

Photo Credit Valeria Rodrigues

Photo Credit Valeria Rodrigues

Breast feeding is one of the least selfish acts. It is exhausting, at times painful, and the fact nobody else can feed your child means you’re taking on soul responsibility for a small human which loudly demands feeding ALL THE FREAKING TIME. Breast milk is proven to be the healthiest for children and the latch of a breastfed baby can make them talk earlier. Also instances of cancers are lower in the mothers and children when breastfeeding happens.

FORMULA FEEDERS

Why you’re crap.

You’re selfish by giving your child artificial food when human milk is perfect and more healthy than formula. Babies who are formula fed are more likely to get ill and less likely to do well intellectually. It’s a lazy way of making sure other people can take care of your child when you can’t be bothered because you’re out drinking vodka with your biologically neglected breasts swaying in some form of high necked top no breast feeder would go near.

Why you’re ACTUALLY awesome.

Whatever the reasons you didn’t breastfeed, if your child is fed that’s what matters. Some women can’t breast feed for various reasons, ill health or no supply for instance, and you ladies suffer guilt trip after guilt trip for something that isn’t your fault. And if you chose not to breast feed so what, perhaps it’s artificial but it’s still food. Babies thrive around the world on formula and grow into happy well adjusted adults. You cannot stand two twenty five year olds side by side and know which one is breast and which one is formula. Give yourself a break, you love your kid and you feed your kid. Job done.

BABY WEARERS

Why you’re crap.

You’re a weird hippy who is making a lazy child because you like wrapping yourself in brightly coloured fabrics and lugging the thing round like it’s a toy. Kids need to learn to cope with being apart from their mothers and strapping it to you like a monkey is not going to help that process. It’s weird and it’s lazy.

Why you’re ACTUALLY awesome.

Far from lazy, it’s actually heavy lugging those things round strapped to your body rather than in a buggy. Being held close to a body is soothing and reassuring for an infant, and keeps them interacting with humans rather than shoved down low and out of eye line of contact and interaction. Plus it’s damn good for your core muscles.

BUGGY PUSHERS

Why you’re crap.

As is part of the theme, you’re lazy. It’s easier to stick a child into a buggy where they can’t see you or interact with you because carrying them and being close to them is too much effort. Children in buggies are ignored and obviously neglected.

Why you’re ACTUALLY awesome.

Photo credit Mezenmir

Photo credit Mezenmir

There is absolutely no reason why you cannot interact with a child in a buggy. It’s a comfy, warm place for them to rest, eat, sleep. Buggies are great for hanging shopping off and mean you can get on with your life in relative ease because you know your child is somewhere safe and comfortable.

CO SLEEPERS

Why you’re crap.

You’re lazy (OBVIOUSLY) because you’re putting ease over safety. Kids DIE from cosleeping. All the damn time. ALL THE TIME. Like every kid who sleeps in bed with their mums and dads at any point will DIE. Plus children who co-sleep will never settle in their own beds, they will be clingy and insecure about being separated from their parents, and too scared to be on their own. You’re creating a weak, insecure, dead child.

Why you’re ACTUALLY awesome.

Photo credit Public Domain Pictures

Photo credit Public Domain Pictures

When done safely co-sleeping is not dangerous. Indeed in countries such as India where it is practiced routinely and therefore done safely, the instances of SIDS (cot death) are nearly nil. Having your baby close to your body at night can regulate their breathing, give them a better night’s sleep, and alert you to any problems more quickly than if you had them in a crib or another room. The bond of cuddling together to sleep is irreplacable and rather than creating insecure children you are creating a child who knows they are safe because their parents are there for them, and will therefore be more likely to confidently step out into the world on their own.

SEPARATE SLEEPERS

Why you’re crap.

Parenting is not a day job and sticking your child into another room at night is the lazy way out. Children left alone at night are more likely to be scared of the dark and be insecure because they’re abandoned. You might find that they go to sleep better alone at first because they have to, but you’re setting them up to be sleep-fighters when they’re older and can argue with you. Children are not naturally separated from their parents and to do so is cruel.

Why you’re ACTUALLY awesome.

The battle of getting a child who co-sleeps to sleep alone can be very difficult, and the longer they do it the harder it is. Setting them up to sleep alone from the beginning means you will have a child confident in going to bed on their own. The bigger they get the more likely they are to sleep through in their own room because you’re not disturbing them by moving or snoring.  In order to be a happy adult you need adult time, if your child is in your bed at night it inhibits how much alone time you get with your partner to make more babies to parent equally badly/awesomely.

STAY AT HOME MUMS

Why you’re crap.

You’re lazy (again.. obviously). Why should you be supported to sit around watching Peppa Pig and colouring in books when other women are out there supporting their families. You’re letting down feminists who fought for the right for women to not be stuck in the home bowing down to the men who go out and get to live their life and earn the money. By staying at home with your child you’re teaching them to be lazy and not bother working, and also showing your daughters that going to work is for the men, spitting in the face of the hard work of the women before us.

Why you’re ACTUALLY awesome.

It’s hard work. Raising children is exhausting, keeping a house with children in clean is challenging, and cooking healthy meals they won’t throw on the floor in disgust is sometimes impossible. People are paid a lot of money to raise our children, clean our homes and cook our meals. If we are paying other people a fortune to do each of those things individually why should mothers not be respected for doing it for themselves. And as for feminism, choice is the key. Women fought for choice. For righs to control their own future. To judge other women’s choices to stay with their family is a kick in the teeth to that very ideology.

WORKING MUMS

Why you’re crap.

You’re being selfish by putting your desire to be away from your children and back amongst other adults first. Children are young for such a short time and you’re missing out on that amazing and special time. Your children will have a better bond with their caregivers than they do their mother. Why have children if you’re not going to bother raising them?

Why you’re ACTUALLY awesome.

To go out to work and raise your children and look after your home is amazing. It’s just amazing. Each of those things is exhausting and so to do them all deserves a medal. You are showing your children that going out to work is responsible and rewarding giving them aspirations for the future and recognition that women can be and achieve anything they want.

 

I could go on. Not a day goes by that I don’t see some Facebook article or hear some comment about what group of mothers are rubbish for raising their children as they do. And why?

My theory is that by doing something different to the choice you’ve made, you see that as calling your decision bad. If you did it one way and someone doesn’t follow suit, they’re calling you crap so by jumping in and doing it first, you’re making yourself feel better.

So stop it, k? We’re all crap. Equally. Everything we do as mothers is equally rubbish to the polar opposite thing a different mother did. Equally.

Photo credit One_Life

Photo credit One_Life

Have you and your child both survived the day? Yes? You’re fine.

Is your child as fit and as healthy as they can be given their circumstances? Yes? You’re fine.

Have you at any point today cried over a bottle of merlot? Yes? You’re me. Erm… fine.

Raising kids is one of the hardest things we do, so why don’t we all join together and celebrate how we’ve done it and how much we love our kids instead of trying to knock one another down? What’s right for you is right for you, it doesn’t make what’s right for someone else automatically wrong.

We are ALL awesome.

You can check out all my contact info an links on www.jjbarnes.co.uk, I’m on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram so you can get in touch on there, as well as find links to all my work. There’s also www.sirenstories.co.uk which has all the work by both myself and Jonathan McKinney and loads of extra content such as background stories for different characters. If you want to subscribe on Patreon, its just $1 a month to help support our work and it also grants you access to our extra podcast a week, you can go to www.patreon.com/sirenstories.

Thanks as always for reading, and I’ll speak to you soon I hope!

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31 responses to “Why You’re A Crap Mum

  1. I’m awesome!

    Like

  2. Great writing .. and yes it’s true.. U cant do right for doing wrong now a days .. there’s always a different way of doing things and no baby is as it should be in a text book so why do people think that is how u have to bring them up… 14 years ago when my boy was born it was don’t feed them solids before 4 months, 5 years later when my girl was born it was no solids before 6 months.. things change but u only have to do things the way its right for u and ur child..
    Also it never gets any easier … U just face different problems and different things to worry over if ur doing it the right way ..
    Beside our parents did an ok job with us didn’t they and they never had half as much support as people do now
    The ‘Joys’ of parenthood
    xxx

    Like

  3. I think I love you 🙂

    Just what needed today xx

    Like

  4. You are awesome!
    I am awesome!
    We are all awesome!
    That was totally true and awesome! Xxxx

    Like

  5. Well apart from being equally crap/awesome, I must have raised two confused/awesome kids: I mixed fed, I papoosed & buggied, I didn’t co-sleep, but one likes to creep in with me now to sleep, I work part time (double crap/awesome)…… If I work hard at it I can probably make one gay because I wear lipstick? Awesome article x

    Like

  6. Great post. I very much enjoyed reading in and I think it just goes to show how quick and how many silly ways people judge each other every day, when he shouldn’t because what ever we do we are all awesome.

    Like

  7. Fab post – and having had a blow-up with my teenager this morning, it doesn’t get any easier on the crap/awesome front… but I’m doing the job the best I can. Thanks for making me smile.

    Like

  8. there are many days i would rather go to work than mind my baby, for a break, its the hardest thing and no one could prepare us for it. we are most definitely awesome

    Like

  9. Pingback: Why You’re A Crap Mum - Birth Balance

  10. henriettamross14

    Damned if you do, damned if you don’t.

    Like

  11. Pingback: Making A Difference | Rose and Mum and More

  12. Wendy Rathbone

    I’m so SELFISH and LAZY. And bloomin’ proud of it! A brilliant article and never a truer word spoken. Thanks for brightening my day with your sharp wit 🙂

    Like

  13. I love this. LOVE it!
    I long for a day where any mother can be proud of whatever they or their baby has achieved that day without being told by some other mother that they’ve done it wrong, or that they’re deliberately bragging to make other mothers feel bad.
    Do you love your offspring and actively try to make sure they are clean, fed and healthy every day? Do you actively avoid things that may cause them harm? If your answer is yes to both, you’re awesome. Case closed.

    Like

  14. I felt complete crap when I couldn’t breastfeed both my boys (both tounge tied) I did try it just never worked. Iv always been quite strict about my boys not sleeping in mine or anyone else’s bed I get scared far to easily but this has made me feel better about things I do and don’t do for my children x

    Like

  15. Reblogged this on and commented:
    Just had to share this as so many of our Fitabulous ladies are awesome Mums (or should I say Mams *proud Geordie)

    Enjoy and pop over and check out the blog too!

    Like

  16. So true…. As a mother you’re vilified for any choice you make! I’m still breastfeeding my 7 month old (not necessarily out of choice) but people question why I wanted to in the first place (I was actually told not to bother by loads of people before I had my baby) but I think the pressure to breastfeed by medical professionals makes people feel guilty who can’t/don’t want to!

    Like

    • I fed til 10 months and people thought it was bizarre yet many of my friends are happily still feeding their two or three year olds, whilst others didn’t breastfeed at all or only did a few weeks. There’s no one size fits all. x

      Liked by 1 person

  17. I hate to jump in on such a fantastic article, but it can also extend to non – mums. Oh, you can’t have a baby? You’re crap, your body doesn’t work right. You don’t want a baby because you wouldn’t be able to care for it properly due to various non medical issues? You’re even more crap, the crappiest of all in fact.
    Apparently this can be summed up as “Women are crap”. And worst of all it’s us women saying it…

    Like

    • You’re absolutely right. It’s not just mums who get this crap it’s all women for everything we do. As for non mums I massively respect women who choose not to have babies for any reason, but especially just not wanting one. Too many children are being raised by parents who don’t want them.

      Like

  18. So many of these made me cry with happiness!
    I bottle fed, i put my boy in is own room at a young age, i go to work.
    These are just my own way of doing things and the amount of times ive been told im doing it wrong and not being a proper parent! I really needed this today 😊😊😊😊😊😊

    We are all FAB mums doing FAB FAB JOBS!

    Like

  19. I couldn’t breast feed my eldest but did my 2nd child. I went back to work part time both times out if necessity. I would put them to bed and let them cry without keep going to them. I was deemed a crap mum by some for all those reasons but you know what, I have 2 beautiful daughters now in their late 20 who have achieved so much, carved out lives for themselves, seen the world, are in stable relationships, love coming home to visit their parents and who have both thanked us for their upbringing. Thank goodness they think I’m awesome!!

    Like

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