This morning I cried whilst listening to the radio. It wasn’t a particularly remarkable situation. Miss Rose was eating her toast and watching TV, I was washing up from last night and listening to the radio. Chris Evans played Florence And The Machines’ version of “You’ve Got The Love” and I cried.
I’m in a bit of a low place. I’ve been struggling. Admitting that is hard, but that’s okay. I’m not as low as I have been, I’m not back in the place I am scared of getting to again, but I’m down. I’m in that place where sometimes things that normally wouldn’t bother me so much are ruining my day, and where I feel overwhelmed by self doubt that sometimes I just cry.
I’ve been here before. I’ve been lower before. It’s not something anyone enjoys admitting or talking about, but sometimes knowing someone else has been there helps, and can give you that extra boost to know you can get help.
Last time I was here, I was actually far lower than I am now, I went to my husband. We’d been in a bad place in our relationship, the familiar cloud was starting to drift in, and I needed him. I confessed how low I had sunk and that I felt I might go lower. He didn’t react much. Sort of shrugged, said “right okay” and vaguely gave me a hug before going back to his Xbox and apologised to his mates on his game because his wife had been having a moan. His wife had just confessed suicidal thoughts in reality. Then, less than a week later, he ended our marriage with a Facebook message and disappeared from mine and my daughter’s life for two months before even getting back in touch. A year later we were divorced.
I’m not in that place, and I don’t think I’ll get there. And the reason I cried at that song explains it.
“Sometimes it seems that the going is just too rough
And things go wrong no matter what I do
Now and then it seems that life is just too much
But you’ve got the love I need to see me through”
I would never depend entirely on a man for happiness, and I think doing so can only make things worse. However, I am happy to acknowledge that having someone I can go to who won’t judge, will listen, and will just hold me is what will stop me sinking.
The last relationship I was in, I was disregarded as less important than a game of Call Of Duty. I felt worthless, useless, unloved and alone, and when I went to him for help to stop me feeling that way it was just reaffirmed in the most profound way possible.
This relationship I get a constant and gentle “you’re good, you’re loved, I’m here.”
If someone you love is starting to sink, if the clouds are starting to drift in and you can see the look of hopelessness in their eyes, try it. “You’re good, you’re loved, I’m here.” If it’s you? If you’re feeling like maybe life is just too much, I hear you. Sometimes things just pile on and make you feel like there’s no way out. I get it. You’re not weak, you’re not self absorbed, and you are a good person. Just sometimes you need reminding.
What saved me last time, and times before, was counselling. My mum heard me, my mum saved me. She got me help and she and my counselor saved my life. This time I don’t think I’ll need that help, but you might. So take it. Don’t let yourself sink.
You can check out all my contact info an links on www.jjbarnes.co.uk, I’m on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram so you can get in touch on there, as well as find links to all my work. There’s also www.sirenstories.co.uk which has all the work by both myself and Jonathan McKinney and loads of extra content such as background stories for different characters. If you want to subscribe on Patreon, its just $1 a month to help support our work and it also grants you access to our extra podcast a week, you can go to www.patreon.com/sirenstories.
Thanks as always for reading, and I’ll speak to you soon I hope!