Responses To Amber Amour’s Live Blog Rape Ordeal

J.J. Barnes, Siren Stories, The Lilly Prospero Series, Rose And Mum And More, Mummy Blogger, Parenting Blog

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Amber Amour, a feminist campaigner from New York, has suddenly shot to fame for one of the worst reasons possible.  After she was (allegedly) raped, she live blogged her ordeal.  In a series of photographs, starting from the bathroom floor where the incident occured and following her experiences through a hospital trip and experiences with the police, she posted to Instagram everything that happened.

Do you know what is the most disgusting thing about Amber Amour’s Live Blog?  What makes me hate humanity and feel sick to my stomach?  It is not the fact she was (allegedly) raped, as abhorrent as that truly is.  It is not the fact she spoke so publicly about what happened, though many disagree with her.  The most disgusting thing that has happened since Amber Amour’s (alleged) rape is people’s responses.

“She had a f*cking naked shower with him what did she expect to happen?” @Mayaobradovic

Yes, she did agree to a shower with him.  She spoke in her blog about she had kissed him and then, he had asked her to shower with him and she agreed.  Do you know what she didn’t agree to?  She didn’t agree to him forcing her to the ground and forcing his penis into her.  She told him to stop and he didn’t.  That is rape.  Kissing is not agreeing to sex.  Nudity is not agreeing to sex.  Intimate contact is not agreeing to sex.  Do you know what IS agreeing to sex?  Agreeing to sex.  So what did she expect to happen?  A shower.  Would she have agreed to have sex with him had he asked?  Maybe, maybe not.  That is entirely her business and I wouldn’t judge her either way.  But being raped both vaginally and anally until she passed out was not something she ever agreed to.

J.J. Barnes, The Lilly Prospero Series, Lilly Prospero, Siren Stories, Rose And Mum And More, Mummy Blogger, Parenting Blog

Photo credit Geralt

“Is there a reason why your ALWAYS supposedly getting raped?  I honestly don’t believe your story.  I think you’re a bit insane.” @instafame_101

She spoke about how she got involved with the #StopRapeEducate after being raped in NYC.  Apparently some people think that women are only allowed one rape in a life time.  If you’ve been raped once, any further sexual activity is immediately consensual apparently.  It doesn’t work that way.  Being raped once is not an immediate protection from experiencing it again.  Do people usually speak out about it?  No.  And therein lies part of the problem.  The shame we are made to feel for speaking out about one case of sexual assault makes the liklihood of speaking out again tiny.  In reality?  More women than you might like to imagine can legitimately use the phrase “The first time I was raped…”

“Why the f*ck did she kiss him in the first place?” @viwernnn

Because she wanted to and he wanted her to.  That’s about it.  Maybe she was attracted to him, maybe she was sexually excited by him.  I’ve kissed men I’m attracted to without consenting to or wanting to have sex.  I’ve been sexually excited by men without consenting to or wanting to have sex.  Being attracted to someone is not an agreement to have them enter your body.  Kissing someone is not an agreement to have them enter your body.  Actually consenting is agreeing to have them enter your body, what Amber Amour did was shout “Stop!” whilst (allegedly) being violently assaulted.

“I’d learn from my mistakes and know not to put myself in a rape situation” @simplyjunelle

Do you know what a “rape situation” is?  Let’s see… wearing revealing clothes, going out at night, walking alone in the street, drinking alcohol, flirting, going home with a man, kissing a man, flirting with a man… But, nuns are raped and they don’t do those things.  Children are raped and they don’t do those things.  Women are told they should control their behaviour all the time, stop living their lives freely because living freely invites abuse.  And even if we agreed and stopped living freely because otherwise we’re inviting rape, rapes happen in the home to women wearing their pyjamas and sleeping next to their boyfriends.  Being a woman is a “rape situation”.

“Why didn’t you try to smash his head with something hard?  Or try to defend yourself?  Maybe because you liked it!”  @coperatejohnnkie

Part of me hates myself for responding to this.  Part of me wants to scream.  Do you honestly think that if someone doesn’t fight that means they like it?  Let me tell you that is not the way life works.  Fear, horror, shock, embarassment, these things are paralysing.  Yes some people are able to fight and my goodness how I admire and respect them.  But in my experience you don’t fight.  It is so overwhelming and frightening and painful that what you do is freeze and you cry and then, when you’ve eventually processed what has happened, you start to get the feeling back in your hands and feet and your eyes start to focus again.  She didn’t hit him over the head or fight.  But that doesn’t mean she liked being raped until she bled.  And thinking that is incredibly disturbing.

J.J. Barnes, Rose And Mum And More, Siren Stories, Feminist Blog, Feminism Blog

Photo credit Geralt

“Where are your morals and values when you CASUALLY wanted to have a shower with him?” @sof.18

Her morals and values are called into question because she was willing to shower with a man.  No question of his morals and values.  Because a woman being in control of her sexuality and wanting to be in a naked situation with a man is shameful.  Him wanting to be naked in the shower with her and then being violent and raping her is not even noted.  Why are men allowed to get into any sexual situation with a woman they wanted without judgment, but if she agrees to any part of it she is shamed?  It is illogical as well as offensive.

“You were not raped, you were f*cked hard… I guess the NO you were telling him was a sexy no.” @ivangoddy

No means no.  This is the most simple of lessons.  If I ask my three year old what no means she says “no”.  If she said no, she meant no.   If as an adult you still cannot understand that then you really need to examine your life choices.

“Recovered staggeringly well after your ‘rape'” @shayter3

Do you know how to tell if a woman has been raped?  You can’t.  Women are raped every day and carry on with their lives.  They see their family, they talk to their friends and they go to their jobs.  They just carry on with their lives on the outside whilst inside carrying a deadweight that will never shift.  Think it’s amazing she’s carrying on with her life?  It is.  It is damn amazing.  It is hard, it is so hard sometimes you just want to curl up in a ball and cry because the weight inside you is suffocating, but you carry on.  The ability to keep going is not evidence her rape is fictious, it is proof that survivors of rape are seriously badass and deserve respect.

 

There are so many comments on her posts, some in support, many not.  As a woman involved in an anti rape campaign and a survivor herself, she will have better understanding than most of how people can react to a woman who speaks out about rape.  Yet she still chose to.  She still chose to face those criticisms and insults and look the cruelty in the eye.  Why?  Because not speaking out about rape perpetuates the culture.  It makes it shameful and embarassing for the victim and protects the rapists from negativity.

Was Amber Amour raped right before the Live Blog started?  I can’t possibly know.  Only she and he know right now.  But I believe her.  And I believe that the way people reponded to her prove just how potent the rape culture is.  How much we put energy into blaming women for being abused instead of blaming men for abusing them.

Speaking out was incredibly brave.  It was something most of us are never brave enough to do.  And I hope there is justice legally, even if her scars will never, ever heal.

#StopRapeEducate

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11 responses to “Responses To Amber Amour’s Live Blog Rape Ordeal

  1. Do you guys bother to do any fact checking? This is the same person (whose real name is NOT amber btw) who “founded” a “non-profit” called rising minds, when she was supposedly homeless and spending the night in Central Park. She had the idea she wanted to help people, and VOILA the next day she wasn’t homeless (nevermind the fact that her family is well off and pays for all her international travel). Then she supposedly gets raped and starts a new foundation. She’s the Rachel Dolezal of rape victims. Yes, she brings attention to issues that need attention (whether or not a woman jumps into the shower with a man doesnt change the fact that if she changed her mind it’s still rape) the ISSUE is that these stories are totally made up to get her followers on facebook and instagram. She needs help. Racel Dolezal did good work, but how did people feel about it when they discovered it was all made up.

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    • My responses to the criticisms are almost irrelevent to whether she is lying or not. I can’t possibly know. What I do know is the criticisms levied against her were unjust and need addressing. A woman choosing to have intimate contact with a man, flirting with a man, not fighting an attacker off, all of these things do not justify rape.

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  2. Pingback: Activist raped while bathing naked with stranger, reports to Instagram followers - scoop.ng

  3. 1. The fact that she kissed em or “showered” with hims irrelevant Amber said she got rape at the carnival court backpackers and uploaded the picture while still in the barthroom. The location of the picture she uploaded is geotaged from the cape town the city hall. Cape town city hall is 15 min walk from the hostel. 7 min car ride. And 11min away using public transit. This means after she was raped she put on her “ripped and bloodied clothes” travaled either by walking,car, or public transit to the citi hall to used there public wifi to upload the “RAPE” picture.


    It was almost an intuitive thing. I was still in the bathroom – in the crime scene. I don’t even think I’d stood up. I just typed and typed.

    Read more at http://www.marieclaire.co.uk/blogs/551474/ambertheactivist-instagram-rape.html#G7GGzbGe5jOxaGaY.9

    2.in the interview amber did with metro fm when she was asked if she kissed shakir she says no. In her story she clearly says she did. After all the discrepencies in her stories you would still be willing to send a person to prison on her WORD?
    3.”Victimblaming 101: DOCUMENTING THE CRIME DOES NOT MEAN YOU “SET IT UP.” It’s important to get evidence of the crime scene, scrapes or bruises, and to take a picture of your distress. This will help you in a court of law. ” ambera words

    SHE HAS NO PROBLEM UPLOADING A PIC OF HERSELF DRY ASS HELL AFTER HER RAPIST TURNED ON THE WATER TO “FINISH HER OFF”

    SHE HAS NO PROBLEM UPLOADING A PICK OF HER SMOOTH ASS LEGS GETTING A RAPE KIT AFTER HER “MOST VIOLENT RAPE”

    WERE THE HELL IS YOUR EVIDENCE OF THE CRIME SEEN “evidence of the crime scene, scrapes or bruises”

    JUST 1 PIC OF OF THE RIPPED AND BLOODY CLOTHES. YOU HAD NO PROBLEM TAKING A PICTURE IN THE CLOTHES YOUR PREVIOUS RAPE BEFORE THIS RIGHT? THE WHITE DRESS? WERE THE FUCK IS YOUR PROVE
    4.
    When amber uploaded that picture of her accused rapist WITH no evidence she wanted to trial this case in the court of public opinion AGAINST him WITHOUT A TRACE OF EVIDENCE!!!!

    THAT SAME COURT PUBLIC IS ASKING her WHY WE SHOULD HATE THIS MAN, SHOULD WE CALL HIM A RAPIST, WHERE IS THE EVIDENCE?

    SHE SUPPORT ANY OF YOUR CLAIMS WITH VIRTUALLY NO EVIDENCE. ALL she SAYs IS JUST TAKE MY WORD FOR IT.
    DO YOU HAVE ANYHTING ELSE THAT SUPPORTS her CLAIMS OTHER THAN A PICTURE WITH TO WEAK ASS TEARS?
    5.
    SHOW ME ONNNNEEEEEE PIECE OF EVIDENCE SUPPORTING AMBERS STORY?
    JUST ONE!
    A scratch, A torn shirt. ANYTHING

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    • As I say in my piece, I cannot know if her statement is true or not. I wasn’t there. However, the comments I addressed are offensive and indicitive towards WHY the majority of rapes go unreported.

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  4. Can you explain why you automatically believe her?

    The people who don’t automatically believe her can explain why.

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    • Yes, I can. Because I find the automatic assumption that a woman who claims to have been raped is lying is horrifying. It’s the reason so many of us don’t come forward, it’s the reason so many rapists get to go on to violate again. People assume women are lying and put them through hell looking for “proof” when I can assure you I have never had any proof. I have never had evidence. If I’ve ever considered coming forward I’ve feared the interrogation and the criticism and the abuse too much. To me, believing a woman is safer and it is more respectful. If we don’t believe women we end up with more rapists because the women are still trying to find proof that they have been abused whilst the men who abuse them are living their lives free to abuse more. I believe her because I was too scared I wouldn’t be believed to speak out, like so many other women. I believe her because she speaks for me and others like me when she speaks out like I was too scared to do.

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      • Davita Veritas

        If a male family member or close friend was in the center of such a tempest, would you plead as vociferously for your current viewpoint? Would you merely assume their accusers had no nefarious motives?

        We do not simply “Listen and Believe” in any other criminal matter, and sexual assault should be no exception. Asking for corroborating evidence in these cases is not analogous to accusing an alleged victim of lying or engaging in victim blaming. Each of us knows from personal experience that people are not always trustworthy, especially when financial or social gain is a factor. Therefore, it is essential to remain skeptical until such time the general reliability of any such claim can be discerned. Regarding this situation, Ms. Amour’s multiple narratives are so riddled with inconsistencies the accusations simply defy credulity.

        It is tragic that some assault victims will not receive judicial recompense due to a lack of evidence, though this complaint could be levied against all forms of crime. However, in recent years the world has witnessed a spate of high profile cases that demonstrate the essential need for due process. Regrettably, in this instance there is nothing other than the testimony of Ms Amour to establish that a crime was actually committed. Despite passionate pleas to the contrary, without some form of additional conformation, her claim, like your own, cannot adjudicated on its merits. The only recourse for you both is to use your experiences to alert others to some of the more perilous situations in which to avoid, although Ms. Amour appears to be a bit slow on the uptake.

        A much better doctrine to adopt would be that of Reagan’s “Trust but Verify”, and believe only when there is more than faith to rely upon.

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      • I understand that, and whether it happened or not really isn’t for me to say. I’m addressing the abhorrent responses to her. I choose to believe in this case, whether I would in all cases I can’t say for sure and if it was someone I know and respect I don’t know how I would feel. I can’t. What I do know is that I Wouldn’t say things to the accuser that have been said to Ms Amour in this case.

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  5. I’m against to any kind of violence, and what you are will never justifies violence against you. Prostitutes are a good example, “about 80% of women in prostitution have been the victim of a rape. They are the most raped class of women in the history of our planet. ” (Susan Kay Hunter and K.C. Reed, July, 1990 “Taking the side of bought and sold rape,” speech at National Coalition against Sexual Assault, Washington, D.C. )
    Even she was a prostitute being raped isn’t fair. But if she is lying she is destroying innocent man’s life. She is offending all rape victims, because being rape is horrible but being rape and that nobody believes you is even worse, a lot of people has fought for getting better helping services for rape victims, and they have gotten, but if fake victims start to uses this advantages for getting attetion or money for their own foundation, all work done is goin to go to hell. So yes, you don’t have to take a side in this case, because the only good side is the truth, we have to fight for the truth even if it doesn’t like us. I leave you a story of a real victim and what she thinks what is far more logical that what Amber thinks:

    “As a victim of sexual assault, I want very much to be sensitive to someone else who is trying to traverse this situation. It is clear to me that, at one time or another, this woman was victimized sexually. Every move she’s made clarions that to me. However, I am dubious about her claims. For one thing, her entire identity seems to be about her victimization – ‘survivor-hood’ is about moving on, moving past it, not letting it become your entire life. I can see becoming an activist, but not completely and only that. For another thing, I’m suspicious about a very vocal rape activist who gets raped again. Not that it isn’t possible, but it seems to me to be a wee bit useful for her cause, doesn’t it? I’m suspicious about a very vocal rape activist who takes a shower with a man she barely knows. It was years before I could allow a man to touch my arm after my assault. It seems unfathomable to me that a rape victim would willingly take a shower with a man she doesn’t know well. I literally cannot fathom it, it seems so alien to me. Lastly, when I was assaulted, I was nearly catatonic for hours. I was simply incapable of having the presence of mind to start filming. It was all I could do to keep my central nervous system operating. The video certainly says ‘Life dealt me a blow but I’m a strong, proud woman, stupid but unashamed and no one will steal my voice” , and it no doubt looks good on her website, but it just isn’t plausible to me that it could be made minutes after the assault.

    I think that when something happens to us that completely destroys the very foundation upon which we exist – that each of us is special and has the absolute right to be free from harm and instead find out we are nothing more than the dogshit in your sneaker tread – when the ground beneath our feet is bombed out from under us, leaving us exposed and vulnerable in the most absolute way, it can be hard to find anything else to focus on. You flounder about, trying to find something to hang onto and try to build a new version of who you are, and that is an awkward, stumbling process. Sometimes, if you are getting a lot of attention for what happened TO you, and that attention turns into a get-out-of-jail-free card absolving you of any responsibility for your life when you most need someone to cut you some slack, and people are saying to you “don’t worry, we’ll handle everything for you, just go rest and heal’, it can be hard to give that card back and move on to a place where you take your reins back.

    I think too that when people look at you as a strong and successful, important person as a result of your assault, that can be a powerful aphrodisiac. I can see how someone might want to continue to feel that glow around them, because it’s so much nicer than the dirty, diseased way you feel deep down. If you have spent all your time since the attack in this space, where people do everything for you, and don’t make you take responsibility for your life because you were hurt and you are seen not as a victim but a superhero, once people start suggesting that you need to find something more to focus on in life than simply your status as a victim, it must be very frightening because now all you are is that victim. You’ve built nothing else. So it might be attractive to find a way to be allowed to stay in that space.

    I don’t know what happened here. I hope she’s lying through her teeth – not because I hate her And want to see her exposed, but because I would rather be lied to than see that happen to someone again. I’m not judging her or attacking her. She is obviously in a lot of pain, whatever the cause. I’m simply saying I have doubts about this, and why. I hope if she did lie about all this, that someone who cares about her steps in and tries to help her find her find her way back to health. If it happened, my heart goes out to her. Actually, my heart goes out to her either way.”

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  6. this is all about money!

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