Faith

Click to visit the Siren Stories website and read more work by J.J. Barnes and check out her latest novels.

Click to visit the Siren Stories website and read more work by J.J. Barnes and check out her latest novels.

*This post contains spoilers for Season 2 of OUTLANDER*

Recently I have been getting very bad tempered and complaining about the woes of pregnancy.  The back ache, the damaged muscles, the headaches, the sickness, the fact I’m commanded to rest making me feel thoroughly grumpy and frustrated… basically I’m not fun to be around and my various grouchy tweets and Facebook updates are becoming boring.

We get it, you’re pregnant, it’s hard. Blah blah blah.

But still I have moaned.  Because yes it is hard.

Last night The Boy and I watched Season 2, Episode 7 of Outlander.  An episode named “Faith”.  As it turned out it was named Faith for the main character, Claire’s, baby girl.  Who was still born.  At about the same stage of pregnancy as I am now with Baby B.

To say we cried would be an understatement.  We sobbed.  We were in pieces.  Someone came to the door and The Boy had to answer it crying.  I held onto my pregnant belly and cried my heart out.  For a long time I swear neither of us breathed until we felt her move.  I downloaded an app to my phone so I could hear her heartbeat.  Her beautiful, beautiful heartbeat.  It gave me faith.  Faith that this little girl will be fine.

I’m incredibly fortunate to be pregnant.  Yes it is hard.  Yes it is frustrating.

I overdid it a bit this morning again.  I woke up feeling quite well and did some stuff and soon got very dizzy and sick and had terrible pains.  I won’t complain.  I will be good and I will sit here and I will let my body heal because my body is where my baby lives and she needs me.  And she needs to be safe.

I lost a baby through miscarriage before Miss Rose and that is something that still causes me pain.  To lose a baby  you’ve felt and heard when they should be making it safely into your arms is something I cannot imagine going through.  Something I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy.  Something I know so many people have to go through every day.

I am grateful for Baby B.  I am grateful for this pregnancy.  I am finding it hard in so many ways but I swear I am going to find the positive more easily, complain less often, and do as I am told to keep both me and my baby healthy without being bullied into it.  And I am going to keep the faith that my baby girl will survive and make her way into my arms.  Just as she is supposed to.

I’m sure I’ll still grumble, of course, but honestly watching Outlander really hammered home to me how important it is that I value and cherish this as much as I can.  Even when it is hard.  Because however hard it is I can think of a few things that are a damn sight harder.

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