I’ve been told that when we are angry the things that come out in the height of passion are the truth. It’s your inner truth bursting out and you can’t take those things back, because they’re the things you really mean.
But I don’t agree.
This morning Miss Rose climbed into my lap and gave me a cuddle. She buried her face in my neck and told me she loves me and that I’m her best friend.
Then she told me she’s sorry.
I asked why, that was a lovely thing!
She told me that she’d shouted at me, told me she is angry with me and told me I’m not her best friend. She said she didn’t mean it. She’d said it in her hot.
In her hot.
I told her I understand and that when we are angry we all say things we don’t mean. I told her that it’s really good to admit it when you’ve said something wrong and to apologise, and I’m really proud of her. That I forgive her.
Then I reminded her that yesterday I said things in my hot too. That when I get very tired and stressed I sometimes get angrier than I need to when she and her brother wind me up. and I shout at her more than I need to. I apologised. Told her I’d shouted at her in my hot.
She nodded and said she understood and she’s sorry she was naughty and she loves me. She said she forgives me for shouting at her.
We said it in our hot.
I love that expression and it explains so much in such a simple way.
In your hot you’re not thinking clearly, your head is pounding, your emotions are heightened. In your hot you lose a bit of control. You say things you don’t mean just because they’re designed to hurt. You say things to cause impact not necessarily because it’s the truth.
It is still communication, and still honest of a sorts, but honest through the emotions being conveyed rather than the words being used.
When she told me I’m not her best friend her words weren’t accurate but her anger and disappointment in me was. I was telling her off and she felt it was unjust. It caused her to like me less in that moment and to need to express it. To let out that rage in the best way she knew how. To hurt me like I had hurt her. It was in her hot.
Whilst saying things in our hot is something we all do, how Miss Rose has handled it after is something not many of us manage.
When we’re in our hot we are too caught up in our own emotions to acknowledge how the other one feels, and to really comprehend the pain we have caused. But then we calm down.
Usually calming down sees us move on, brush what was said in our hot under the rug and act like it never happened. But it did. Those words were said. And even if we didn’t mean them, even if we know it was just said in anger, the words have still been put out there and the other person might believe that you meant them, or might just be stinging that they were said at all.
Miss Rose acknowledged what she had said, and without any prompting expressed her regret. She didn’t try to act like she’d done nothing wrong. She didn’t act like I’d deserved it or her actions were justified. She didn’t try to excuse herself or say that I shouldn’t feel hurt.
She apologised. She’d said in her hot and didn’t mean it. She told me she loves me. No strings, no expectations.
We could all learn from that.
If something was said in someone’s hot then don’t hold those words to them, they might not have meant it and you can’t assume it’s the absolute truth of them. If you’ve said something in your own hot then acknowledge it and apologise.
For a little girl of just four years old she mastered something most adults struggle with. The unprompted, genuine apology after an argument. The recognition of fault and apology without expectation of a reciprocation.
Next time I say things in my hot I’m going to recognise them. When the calm has resettled I’m going to make sure I repeat what I said but with the assurance that it wasn’t real, it was in my hot, and that I’m sorry. If Miss Rose can manage it then I can manage it.
I spend my life trying to teach my little girl how to live and be, how to be a functioning adult and a benefit to society. But sometimes if I just shut up and listen, I can learn something from her too.
I said it in my hot. I’m sorry.
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Thanks as always for reading, and I’ll speak to you soon I hope!