Grieiving For The Baby I Never Want To Have

J.J. Barnes, Siren Stories, The Lilly Prospero Series, Rose And Mum And More, Mummy Blogger, Parenting Blog

Click to visit the Siren Stories website and read more work by J.J. Barnes and check out her latest novels.

There is a myriad of reasons why I don’t want another baby.

Primarily I feel complete with the girls and step son I have.  I have no longing for another child, no brooding urge that I’m having to suppress.  I don’t want to have another baby.  I am happy.  More than happy.  My family feels complete.

Even  if it was financially viable, even if we weren’t a family of five in a two bedroom house, I wouldn’t want another baby.

Even if I had nearly died during my last pregnancy.  Even if the constant hospital visits hadn’t taken a toll on mine and my daughter’s mental health.  Even if I hadn’t had two months of constant agonising contractions.  If my pregnancy had been healthy and normal, I still wouldn’t want another baby.

Nothing in me wants another baby.

I am comfortable with the decision we have made.  I don’t regret it for a second.

But I feel like I’m in mourning.

Photo credit One_Life

Photo credit One_Life

The whole “Biological Clock” thing is so weird.  It shouldn’t impact me.  I had my first daughter at 27 after one attempt to get pregnant.  I had my second daughter at thirty after zero attempts to get pregnant.  I’m super fertile.  I’m also thirty one and don’t want anymore children so why would that be something that is bothering me?

I don’t want another baby.  Now.

But what if that changed?  What if in, say, ten years we are really successful?  I’m selling loads of books, topping best seller lists, we have a house where our children all get their own rooms and their own spaces, they’re doing well in school, they’re having violin or piano lessons, dance lessons, art lessons, football lessons.  I’m not struggling at the end of the month, I’m not mentally calculating whether the council tax bill will mean we can’t buy the weekly shop.  All our hard work has paid off and we are able to provide our children with the lives we so desperately want them to have…

Will I regret my choice?

Will that little girl (I say girl because I just assume I make girls now) who’s never had a chance to live be missed?  Will that little girl who we would love with such ferocious desperation if she did accidentally make her way into the world leave a huge hole in our hearts because she’s not there?  Baby Boo wasn’t planned and we couldn’t afford her, we were a family of four in a two bedroom house.  We weren’t planning a baby and yet now the idea of this world existing without her in it is horrifying.  Baby Boo needs to exist.  She needs to be here and without her all our lives would be worse.

What if in ten years I realise I gave up my chance to create another one of these amazing little girls because I didn’t have faith in myself to sell the books I work so hard on, and didn’t want to put myself through a few months of pain?  I would go through that pain a thousand times over for Boo.  I would put myself to the brink of death right now to ensure she gets to be with us.  Nothing about her life gives me a hesitation of regret.

J.J. Barnes, Siren Stories, The Lilly Prospero Series, Rose And Mum And More, Mummy Blogger, Parenting Blog

Photo credit Gris Guerra

Does the world need me to have another baby like it needs Boo?

Do I need to have another baby like I need Boo?

I don’t want one.  I really don’t want one.

I can’t put myself or my children through that again.  Promising my little girl I’d be picking her up from school then disappearing in an ambulance and not seeing her for days at a time whilst she had no idea why or when I was coming home was too much.  She was devastated.  Putting my body through that has left a lasting impact to this day that genuinely makes us fear for my life.

My life is complete with the children I have.

I don’t want another baby and have taken steps to ensure it doesn’t happen.

But what if I’m just trying to convince myself?  Would I have these worries if I was absolutely certain in my decision?

I’m glad I’ve got contraception in place.  I don’t want another surprise.  I don’t want to make a stupid choice in a moment of panic.  I don’t want another baby.

But the world will never get to meet her.  I’ll never get to meet her.  She gets no shot at life.

And my girls are amazing.  They’re perfect.  So she would be too.  She would have been incredible.

So I grieve for her.  Because she will never come to be.

You can check out all my contact info an links on www.jjbarnes.co.uk, I’m on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram so you can get in touch on there, as well as find links to all my work. There’s also www.sirenstories.co.uk which has all the work by both myself and Jonathan McKinney and loads of extra content such as background stories for different characters. If you want to subscribe on Patreon, its just $1 a month to help support our work and it also grants you access to our extra podcast a week, you can go to www.patreon.com/sirenstories.

Thanks as always for reading, and I’ll speak to you soon I hope!

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