Wherever Mummy’s Boobs Are
I have studied under the masters; my big sister and big brother. Under their tutorage I have mastered the arts of fake crying when I want something, and throwing things when I don’t.
Falling off things
Crawling into things
I am passionately interested in remote controls and mobile phones, and I have developed, through an intense period of training, the impressive ability to retrieve them from even the most discreet locations.
Baby wipes hold a certain appeal to me. I find pulling them all from the package and tasting each one individually to be incredible rewarding. Indeed, I believe I am now something of a connoisseur.
I am very musically minded. I have a piano which plays a tune that appeals to me greatly and I like to play it on repeat. My mummy’s reaction is particularly entertaining to me; her face contorts into hilarious expressions after the seventh time through. I am also developing skills in percussion. I have several rattling devices which can be smacked against a variety of surfaces to create different sounds, such as tables, chairs, walls and heads.
I believe I am most suited to shift work. I am very comfortable working late nights and early morning. Indeed I often insist everyone gets up at 1AM just for the pleasure of experiencing such rarely appreciated hours.
I would do well in a creative role. When presented with a bowl of pasta or soup I am able to, with minimal effort create works of art so incredible that my Mummy takes photographs whilst crying out “Oh my God” and “Look at you” and “Nobody step in it!” due to her desire to preserve my creations for the maximum time possible.
I have excellent leadership skills and would suit a role in management. I am able to elicit the desired responses from my family with ease, indeed their entire structure has been reshaped simply to accommodate my arrival into the workplace. If I am able to achieve that within days of my birth, imagine what I’ll do over the following years.
RELATIONSHIPS WITH COLLEAGUES
I have excellent interpersonal skills.
My Mummy seems extremely willing to cater to my needs and willingly involves me in all her daily activities. I am privy to such things as toilet use, showering, cooking, cleaning, wine drinking and crying. I am allowed unfettered access to her breasts, indeed on occasion I have demanded access simply because I haven’t seen them in some time. On being presented I am satisfied and refuse them, just to make sure she knows I am boss.
My Daddy clearly worships the ground I crawl on, and even though he regularly fails me by not offering me his own breasts, he seems most determined to achieve my happiness despite a substandard body.
My brother and sister seem very taken with me and allow me to take their toys without complaint. When they do attempt complaint they are reminded that I am indeed only a baby and therefore their job is to accommodate my needs. This is one of my favourite aspects of my currant position and I intend to make use of this for at least the next fifteen years. Possibly more.
The Grandparents are particularly superb at catering to my needs. A simple smile or fart elicits celebration of my skill and wonder beyond anything the ordinary family members have achieved in months. I am certain that should our business relationship continue I will be able to engage in many hours of unprecedented chocolate eating, that which the Mummy and Daddy would no doubt attempt to complain about should they be privy. I, however, know how to keep the workplace running smoothly and operate a policy of don’t ask, don’t tell.
I, Baby Boo, believe no finer baby exists. I am marvellous. I am incredible. Admire my toes, there are ten of them. Ten! And have you seen my thighs? I am regularly reminded that they are fantastic and “squishable”. I will fill any home with laughter. I will fill any heart with love. I am, quite simply, a wonder of the modern age.
You can check out all my contact info an links on www.jjbarnes.co.uk, I’m on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram so you can get in touch on there, as well as find links to all my work. There’s also www.sirenstories.co.uk which has all the work by both myself and Jonathan McKinney and loads of extra content such as background stories for different characters. If you want to subscribe on Patreon, its just $1 a month to help support our work and it also grants you access to our extra podcast a week, you can go to www.patreon.com/sirenstories.
Thanks as always for reading, and I’ll speak to you soon I hope!